Keep Moving Forward

I love rainy days but I hate thunderstorms. My trip to a café with reliable WIFI access  was cut short by a thunderstorm in the making. Crap. My internet connection at home has been disconnected for a month now and  I’m forced to taper my internet use to once a week or less. Then it’s a good thing too because I’m currently on community rotation which means no 24-hour duty from May to June—a good two months of rock-a-bye-baby sleep and more time to catch up on studying—a goal that I haven’t accomplished yet.

Last month was tipped towards family than academic goals which still spells balance to me. My cousins from Manila were here for a month .Then 2 weeks ago,had a bonfire and stargazing session with my cousins from Davao at the beach where we reminisced the way it was when we had all the time in the world. Summer seemed endless and it meant soaking at the beach  everyday like fishes who can never get enough of the ocean even if we were  close to being charred.I was always sunburned…no pink glow for my skin type, I always get a tan which means my shade of brown gets close to dark brown. Haha. There were pauses in the conversation because everyone, I assumed, seemed to go back to whatever memory they had and I was mentally making checklists of all the things that have changed . Now I really feel old. Everybody seems to be nostalgic which could mean that everyone is in their own stage of crisis. Mine is a quarter-life crisis.

I do feel stagnant; Two of my best friends in college have gotten married lately.For two successive weekends  I have been bringing toys and free samples of vitamins to my high school friend who gave birth last month and is now on maternity leave. Another friend I grew up with got married in December and is now on the road to motherhood. I’m happy for them but I can’t even feel an iota of jealousy.Spare me. I’m on shaky ground when you put me on such circumstances. I can’t imagine myself on either stage of that life cycle.I’m fine with the “unattached young adult” stage. I’m not stuck, I’m just moving slowly, but I will get there before the age of 35 when my pregnancy will be classified as high risk and I will be labeled as an “elderly primigravida”.Imagine the injustice of being called “elderly” at 35;  but that’s the proper medical term used by the OB-Gynecologists for women age 35 and above having their first pregnancy. After delivering more than 100 babies from January to February this year, all I could say is this: I wish I were male. The dorsal lithotomy position with the feet on stirrups is not sexy at all.

I wish I could go back to that age when Pluto was still a planet, when my energies were spent chasing dragon flies and crying my heart out on the cartoon film The Land Before Time. To that age when my precious 24 hours were not spent figuring out how to keep someone alive for another day but on watching reruns of Voltron and Rainbow Brite, reading volume after volume of Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys and Sweet Valley. Before, all it took was cold milk to shut me down, now it’s anti-histamine tablets because they make you drowsy– really drowsy— and that means I’ll get shuttled off to dreamland without counting sheep.

We all grow up.

All we have to do is to keep moving forward . (Yes, I’ve been watching cartoons this week, that’s a gem from Meet the Robinsons). I have downloaded the movie Annie but I refused to watch it because I don’t want to reinforce this nostalgia for childhood. I’ve been watching Independent films lately, watched C.R.A.Z.Y, a Canadian film with a coming-of-age genre about growing up gay and another Independent Canadian film –Everything’s gone green— in one night. At least they don’t have strings to my childhood and makes the experience fresh and flash-back free.

I am moving forward. I had to prove that even to my big brother who keeps accusing me of secretly not wanting to leave our house in Jaro because of what he calls “my memories”. We are moving out this July and I was stumped when my father told me to look for a new place. It’s bad timing because I have 4 months left then I’m off again to Manila or Cebu (If I’m crazy enough) for my medical board review . Why can’t they find a place after I finish my internship this October? I can complain but I take orders from up above. We found a new place and it’s conveniently near the hospital where I’m on internship.Honestly, I wanted a place near our old house but 2 weeks of searching and it was a failed mission.Nada. Zilch.Have to move to Mandurriao, but I’ll still inconveniently hear mass at the Jaro Cathedral and do my groceries in SM Supermarket Jaro, as well.That is me refusing to let go of the things I’m used to.

It preserves my sanity so just leave me alone big brother.

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