It’s almost 4am, the sound of roosters flows inside my window, welcoming the day in. I haven’t even slept yet. Sleep evades me again.
I’m in my hometown and I’ve been here for 30 days straight. It’s the longest I’ve stayed for the past 5 years. Blame that on medical school and internship. While most of my close friends have left town, I was yearning to come home after the board exams. There’s nothing much to do here ,but it’s the best place to start finding myself again.It’s a fixation to this place that calls me back to revisit.
While thoughts rage in my head, I try to step away but the tide brings me in again. I’ve been thinking incessantly about my life and why at this point I still don’t feel an iota of peacefulness or bliss. It doesn’t feel the way I thought it would be — getting something I’ve always wanted.
I like to sleep the day away here because I’d rather be up at night. In daytime it’s hot and dusty but the nights are breathtaking.If only I could make time standstill. I stare at the night sky for hours, a luxury that I never had before. I have this huge window in my room that reveals a great view every night that always makes me believe that astronomy is far more interesting than medicine.Nights make me forget the chaos in my head and how messed-up I actually feel. The starry, starry night, Venus, the shooting stars that I still wish on and the moon, are all beautiful distractions.
A friend told me that I should live in the “now” and not think about my future. I try, but I live where my past intersects with my future. To be present in simply “now” is like being cavalier. Maybe I’m just seeking a catharsis after getting this golden license which feels fake sometimes. I should get out of this sleepy town soon. The silence and the long days allow my subconscious to spill into the conscious . I want to be busy again and complain about it…haha.
Truth be told, I really don’t know what I want.