Breaking into a
Immortal photographs in my head
Lingering smell of stale coffee in my
Nudging sleep, teasing the darkness
Onslaught of bad dreams
Resounding whispers of that
Walking towards the
Yellow butterflies and
*Inspired by this 🙂
Traveling without a laptop is unnerving but not as crippling as i thought it would be. My laptop screen has gone dim 2 months ago and i have been attaching it to a desktop monitor since. There is nothing wrong with the hard drive, nothing skewed with the graphics.It’s just dim.
I brought a notebook instead.Yes, I’m back to the conventional pen and paper. This was probably inspired by John’s post about making drafts. It may be more of a diary than a notebook for my blog drafts.
I started writing at the Iloilo airport yesterday while waiting for my flight to Manila. I was booked for the 2:05 pm flight but I arrived 3 hours early because yesterday’s news of PAL flights getting canceled made me anxious about my own flight status. My trip was not canceled at all but it was delayed for an hour. Travel was speedy and landing was smooth even if it was cloudy in Manila. Someone promised me that he will fetch me at the airport. I was hesitant yet I believed him. When we believe, it allows the possibility of disappointment ,that’s how my favorite author said it. He arrived yet he was an hour late. I’m not even a wee bit surprised. I’m always the one waiting. It’s a skill. We rode one of those yellow cabs, then we got stuck in traffic near Makati while the rain showered my arrival. The ride from the airport to QC took 3 hours. This is simply why I never miss Manila —- traffic is toxic.
I’m leaving for Mindoro tomorrow. Firsts always make me anxious —- first time, first day, first duty. I can’t wait to go fast forward, to get rid of the uncertainty and the what-ifs. Everything is hazy, even tomorrow’s trip makes me worry. I should be excited with travel and the bus ride yet there is that churning feeling in my stomach that doesn’t stop. I can’t wait to get there. I want to get on with the medical duties so my mind can focus on something real rather than thoughts that make me neurotic.
My neurotic ramblings will be kept in my notebook. 🙂
This fragment of a Paramore song will speak for me today:
My mouth is dry
with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole
Last night was about fireworks painting the sky, a rock band on the stage and thousands of tourists and locals on the beach. I was sitting absentmindedly on the sand just like everyone else, occasionally suppressing a curse when some people who seem to have no common sense keep standing and blocking our view of the concert. Geez, can’t they feel the burning stares of people behind them. Another injustice and I could no longer bite my tongue—-a group of local teenagers who just arrived at the scene did the same thing and I took the liberty of calling their attention to sit down.
Boracay is not so fun after all.
Not when you’re working I guess or not if you have the kind of work that does not end at 5pm.
Like mine—24/7 doctor-on-call.
Or maybe it’s just me.
Some of my friends think that it’s so fab to be a doctor in this island.
Imagine the frustration of having to retreat back to the clinic because I got a text message that a patient has come for consult just when I’m all ready there at the perfect spot to watch the sun go down and in the end I have to miss it. It’s disappointing because it’s the only time of the day that I can escape to the beach front. I can only shake my head. Work here means suppressing a groan when the phone rings at 1am because some foreigner is having diarrhea in his hotel room and you have to go there before he becomes dehydrated.
While watching the concert, I was constantly glancing at my phone and crossing my fingers—please no house calls tonight.
My mind will always be divided. I can no longer live with just a singular thought.
So this is what it’s like when you have a license.While the band 6 cycle mind drowned all the whispers and conversations around me, my thoughts were stealing the spotlight and it was about the individuals I saw and treated at the clinic. I think a lot of my patients— from the patient I saw 2 weeks ago to the patients I saw this morning. It gets intense sometimes —thoughts overlapping, doubts consuming and frustrations building up.
The fragility of life makes this vocation sacred. I am human though, as much as I want to be perfect for my patients. I try my best to treat lives as tenderly as I can.After all, I’m like them—just human.