Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing, turning and whining. Blamed it on my coffee even if I do drink coffee to sleep because I’m a coffee junkie— it exists as my upper and my sleeping pill.
I always have vivid dreams, dreams that I could still remember even when I wake up. I fell asleep at midnight and I dreamed that I was going to take an exam wearing my maroon scrub suit. The place for the exam was a football field with high chairs—very high chairs, about 20 feet tall, as tall as the lamps that lit the field. I had to climb a ladder to sit on the chair. It was so weird because the chairs were tall but they were light enough that we even arranged it ourselves, lifting it across the field and arranging them in rows. I never got to the part when I would climb up and sit on the chair, I was on the verge of climbing the first step on the ladder when my alarm brought me back to the world; I woke up even before I got the chance to know what the exam was about. Hah.
I really don’t know what it means but I think it’s worth recording. I fell asleep indeed but I was struggling to get up on that high chair in my dream.
It’s almost 4am, the sound of roosters flows inside my window, welcoming the day in. I haven’t even slept yet. Sleep evades me again.
I’m in my hometown and I’ve been here for 30 days straight. It’s the longest I’ve stayed for the past 5 years. Blame that on medical school and internship. While most of my close friends have left town, I was yearning to come home after the board exams. There’s nothing much to do here ,but it’s the best place to start finding myself again.It’s a fixation to this place that calls me back to revisit.
While thoughts rage in my head, I try to step away but the tide brings me in again. I’ve been thinking incessantly about my life and why at this point I still don’t feel an iota of peacefulness or bliss. It doesn’t feel the way I thought it would be — getting something I’ve always wanted.
I like to sleep the day away here because I’d rather be up at night. In daytime it’s hot and dusty but the nights are breathtaking.If only I could make time standstill. I stare at the night sky for hours, a luxury that I never had before. I have this huge window in my room that reveals a great view every night that always makes me believe that astronomy is far more interesting than medicine.Nights make me forget the chaos in my head and how messed-up I actually feel. The starry, starry night, Venus, the shooting stars that I still wish on and the moon, are all beautiful distractions.
A friend told me that I should live in the “now” and not think about my future. I try, but I live where my past intersects with my future. To be present in simply “now” is like being cavalier. Maybe I’m just seeking a catharsis after getting this golden license which feels fake sometimes. I should get out of this sleepy town soon. The silence and the long days allow my subconscious to spill into the conscious . I want to be busy again and complain about it…haha.
Truth be told, I really don’t know what I want.